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youtube comments [Jan. 11th, 2008|02:04 am]
"hav u noticed that Barack's voice sounds just like the Rock's voice? DO YOU SMELL WHAT BARACK IS COOOOKINNNGGG???????"


"i'm a high school junior
and i would love to have him has a president for 4 years.
maybe 8.
or more.
maybe forever."

----------------------------------



"Why I say 4 words ? I'am from poland and in this Country we say - To jest najlepsze - To - it is "It" jest - it is "is" and najlepsze - it is "The best" in poland we don't have The << :D
Sorry for crap english :D
PS You are Crazy and stupid as I :D:P
PS 2 what you are interesting ?? I like computers, robots and jew's harps :P I dont have this - I get tkis on Christmas from Santa Claus :D:P"


"you sound like a robot"
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4chan discussion board [Nov. 4th, 2007|05:17 am]
Okay. This is not creepy pasta. I don't want you to just read it and comment on how few bricks you have shat: I want you to go fucking do it. Stand facing a mirror in a poorly lit room. Bathroom mirror without the lights on should do it; it has to be dark enough that you can't make out the color of your eyes. Just stand there looking at your reflection, eyes focused on your eyes. Things behind you, or even other parts of your face, may flicker or do weird shit in your perephrial vision, but dont' look away. Keep focusing on your eyes. The longer you look, the less the face in the mirror seems to resemble your own. Eventually, subtly at first, it begins to distort; I've never known anyone with the balls to wait and see what it turns into.

someone please go do it

protip: just power of suggestion, try it in dim light, like a candle, and just imagine your face distorting and warping, eventually the tiredness of your eyes,the dim light, and the thought of you wanting to shit brix will result in brick shitting. i did this shit in middle school because my dumb ass teacher believed you'd see the face of someone dead,didn't work for me until i was too tired to care, but my head distorted, rather then reshape
Link5 witnesses thus far|approach the bench

if love is unconditional [Nov. 4th, 2007|04:56 am]
if love is unconditional, then there are no reasons. If there are causes, effects, and reasons, then it is not love.



true or false
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photographs [Nov. 4th, 2007|04:22 am]
I was going through my photographs and thinking about the way photos are viewed. My understanding is that popular viewing of a photograph is a sort of preservation of the moment, a souveneir freeze frame. What interests the average viewer is the recognizable subject matter- person, place, or thing (portrait, landscape, [still] life). The action involved, the event occurring, the emotions recognized and empathized with.

This reflects the manner in which the average person interprets phenomena in their lives-

What about viewing and critiquing the photograph as an artistic creation? The photograph is the product of various variables of the photographer's "free" will, whatever factors in his being compelled him to choose
A. to take pictures
B. to take that picture
C. of what exactly
D. how
E. from what angle
F. what time to snap the button, etc.
G. to choose and present this particular piece(s) as a finished work

Other components matter just as much, or more, than immediately recognizable subject matter (as with things besides photographs as well: stories, social situations, a household item, etc.), it is an infinite and vast conglomeration of interpretations and relationships, to be dissected and interpreted to whatever extent a viewer prefers.

I have been enjoying the act of approaching the photograph (and a set/series of photographs) as a painting, or a song- a deliberate piece of work;
considered less as an arbitrary assembly of things preserved in physical form,
and more as singular or plural illustrations, poems, of arbitrary components hand-picked by the artist to assemble a certain whole, with multi-level plots, details, patterns/motifs, non-sequiturs, puns, etc.

The photograph can be as much of a masterpiece as a novel.

epilogue of smaller visual/content parts
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exerpts from GROUPHUG.US [Nov. 3rd, 2007|07:36 am]
i tried to make myself throw up once, well actually more like 3 times, because...things were so bad, and i felt so fat...and i can't do anything right it seems like...not even throw up.



After my girlfriend of 3 years, Danielle, cheated on me, I decided to marry my long time imaginary friend, Kerri. We've been married for 8 months. When I sleep at night next to Sandra, I grab a pillow and pretend it's Kerri. I'm very happy with Kerri, but I don't know how I'm going to break it to Danielle.




I met Bill Clinton. What a fucking scum bag. When I said "hello" and reached out my hand, he took my hand, but I could feel his eyes giving me a once over. I just kind of stepped back and said, "nice to meet you," and added a little "asshole" under my breathe.



I obsessively check for Linux kernel updates, and keep tabs on what processes are using how much RAM/CPU time/swap.


i will never forget my first love. remember that first kiss we had at the school dance. gosh, we fell in love too deep. it was too painful, wasn't it.





Once I strangled a neighbours pet. I don't know why (it was a rat) they had a shed full of them, they were very tame and quite cute for rats. I was playing with them alone and I strangled one, I still don't know why I did it, time just stopped and before I knew it, the thing wasn't moving, I threw it back into its hole and left it. Nobody knew I did it and they just thought it had died of natural causes, I still feel really guilty about it to this day.

Sometimes I get pee-shy at the urinal if other men are around.
So I imagine them all jumping up and down with their pants around their ankles and rubber chickens sticking out of their arses.
I find this so funny that then I can pee.


ive got a chance to goto US, but iam scared. i really think some of these people are crazy.I mean, whites are after blacks, after iraqis, after coloured people, after oil,after themselves, and as this site tells even after their 6 month daughters!!! man give me a break!!!!
salzburg will be awesome!




I'm a shark and I keep attacking swimmers, divers and surfers. I'm sorry dudes, I keep thinking you're sealions.



Today, my classmate Farley used binoculars to look at the whiteboard at the front of the class

Holy shit, I wasn't imagining it!


I have pictures of the Olsen twins, from when they were around 12 yrs old, in my underpants all day long.



When I'm out and about I like to pretend that paparazzi is following me and taking my picture.


I got so toasted last night that I went about the internet, looking for farmer porn.


GOD I HATE HER


im really not trying to get into your pants. if it was offered then i might take it but that is not my goal


i live in a country where we use the metric system, and i always thought that my dick was 6 inc, just found out its really 7, yeah for me

i just ran over someones chicken my bad


I don't respect a band if their website doesn't have Mozilla (Firefox) compatibility.

I'm the webmaster of a fairly popular discussion board, and I do really stupid trolls on it all the time, when I'm drunk.

A friend and I once jumped a crackdealer in the middle of the night. I beat him over the head with a pipe I don't even know how many times, then I took all his money, about $1000 in 5, 10's and 20's. He's probably dead and I don't even know. I feel guilty about it now.


i'm so pissed that they didn't have ice cream at lunch.
bollocks I do eat too much, especially sweets and such
I just very very much like ice cream, everything about it is stupendous, that it's cold and sweet and I like the tart ones so much more. If only it weren't for all the pesky kalories and my immense arse
but ye know, if they did have kalorie-free ice cream id still go for the real stuff, just to screw myself

one time i got one of those cheap water-pistols from teh dollar store and spray-painted it black. then i taped a laser pointer on it so it looked like a real gun.

whenever someone would cut me off in traffic i would pull it out of the glove box and brandish it wildly out the window, just to see them shit their pants with fear. most of the time they would quickly pull off the road. i can't believe i was never arrested for this.




I was at home by myself one evening when two Mormom boys knocked on my door. They wished to speak to me about Jesus Christ and the current status of my eternal soul. I listened to their crap for about three minutes and interrupted them by asking if they would enjoy a blowjob. One young man was thoroughly shocked and appalled, while the other one looked very intrigued. I confess that I may have corrupted a Mormon.



I've read articles that claim that a man's standard of living rises after a divorce, but a woman's drops. Not surprising that someone's standard of living would rise after the removal of a 150 lb leech.



I just ate a sandwhich. I don't have anything to confess. Except that the sandwhich was real good. Real good
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Pisceans [Oct. 1st, 2007|06:53 am]
Selena: What month were you born in?

Me: March

Selena: So that makes you a Pisces!

Me: Mm. Yeah. But I don't like it.

Selena: Why not?

Me: Because... being a Pisces means you're too nice, too wimpy, flaky, wishy-washy, some sort of weak blurry thing that doesn't know anything for sure, easily manipulated and affected. I can't really recognize any positive things about being a Pisces, except maybe that they are compassionate or whatever. They're extremely sweet, at least to your face, but mostly... I guess mostly they're terribly undependable, and they're liars.

Selena: Really now? No!

Me: Okay, yeah, not all of them totally suck. I have good Pisces friends. But still, I don't like people remembering me as one, so i just tell them I'm a Scorpio instead.

Selena: Ah, but that makes you a liar, doesn't it?
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(no subject) [Sep. 21st, 2007|04:24 pm]
i need write a combinational thing of thoughts on:

philosophy: from atomic theory to psychology to sociology to great space

fractal philosophy,
multidimensional theory, applied to human existence, philosophy
religions, truth, and smaller truths, super-nature, heaven/reincarnation/aliens, etc
hyperspace and the different types of energy, (chi), medicine,
perception, illusion, levels of reality,
music/art
LSD, consciousness and other links of the brain,
social interactions and social class


influences:
Otto's experience of the Holy,
poetics of space,
zen, tao/lao tzu, buddhism, christianity, islam, judaism, catholicism,
american classes,
marx,
Greta's whiteness/blackness,
social constructs (Ysais), criminal psychology, criminal morality,
thomas banchoff, flatland,
polyhedra and other geometric concepts,
fractal nature,
einstein's relativity,
conspiracy theories, urban legends, superstitions,
michio kaku's hyperspace,
OCD and mental research,
medical/illicit drugs,
Ram Dass- be here now
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Forum question: What happens after death? [Sep. 21st, 2007|03:07 pm]
Lots of things happen after death. What you consider your body breaks down into smaller pieces and dissipates evenly outwards, as does your consciousness. This happens everyday already, on a much smaller, unnoticed level, so there is nothing to be afraid of.

I believe that some pieces remain intact, on some level; there are an infinite number of levels in the entirety of atomic location/movement. This accounts for super-natural truths, on a certain level, including reincarnation, heaven, and tangent universes. They are the same, and you are a part of it.

So, if you are talking about souls and their magic, my response to you would be that what you consider your soul would be the pattern of your being's energy, ever-changing with the complex changes of the universe (much like your body, or a fruit, or a piece of silver), and it just breaks up and mixes in with the other souls of past, present, and souls to be formed. Ultimately, i believe there is no real distinction between you and the space around you: there is one Everything.


In any case, i believe [you] are right, but not exactly.
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(no subject) [Sep. 21st, 2007|07:25 am]
i am embarrassed of who i was last year, and the year before that, and most certainly the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that, and the year before that.

But yesterday i was happy.

The past few days i have not been a part of anything, most of my time spent either amongst vegetables or out hasting quietly about the dusk of Providence.

Hahahahahha!
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haha excerpts from a tila nude video comments section [Sep. 4th, 2007|05:28 am]
Silent Thinker

I find Tila Tequila to be a fascinating creature, the video is impossible to view with being sexually aroused and masturbation is an inevitability. One has to wonder when does such a pretty girl decide to opt for a career of nude modelling which subsequently makes her appear as a whore. Very few men could resist vigourous sexual intercourse with her and I wonder what it feels like to be in a position like hers. Sexy, young, and a man's dream in bed: there's something loveable about this girl.



yea by LL77

i couldnt agree more with u. i find it surreal actually because she seems like a innocent asian girl



omg by Craggus

fukin loser wtf typing a fukin essay r we.. get a fukin life...god its just a vid good fukin chug a lug


Nice by NateJ

I'd like to put a bee in her butt. :)


Holyyyy by `D!esel

FUCK!!!!! if u didnt jack to this video then u r fucken gay
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Fractals [Sep. 3rd, 2007|03:11 am]
Fractals reverberate throughout nature and Everything, every Thing is part of a fractal.

Love, murder, betrayal, the number of words in this journal entry.
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People [Sep. 3rd, 2007|01:06 am]
People really kiss Hiromi's ass, she's not that great and she's not that smart.


Actually, most people are pathetic creatures, so easily manipulated and programmed to be one way or another. I'm not surprised, just disappointed, over and over.
People have these opinions, these standards, morals, fabricated out of what; their personalities are their best imitation of some other idolized, loudmouth moron, complete with their own fears and insecurities and gaping logical fallacies in their rhetoric.

So many people mock the Christian faith, but everyone runs on faith.


Specifically:

1. i'm growing tired of Devon's abundant criticisms and discriminatory comments. Beth, the lesbians, Sinnae and Zejian, Max, everyone at RISD, even my own family members, while they have plenty of problems of their own. I dont give a fuck about what you think is wrong with this person, place, or thing. Your opinion sucks. Keep it to yourself, stop turning everything into a complaint. Would you even be able to have conversation anymore?

2. When i see samples of life that remind me about mass manipulation. Advertisements, newspaper selections, voting, internet discussion boards, live speeches, movies, etc. Mass emotion is so easily controlled, opinions so easily swayed with strategic artistic and musical direction, well-written speeches of any sort, etc. You can make anyone a hippie, a skinhead, a WASP, a liberal activist, an anime enthusiast.

Everyone is the same- fools who can't think for themselves. Who need their friends, family, artists and muscicians, the media, corporate gods, even their so-called enemies- to define who they are as individuals.



Most people are proud of themselves because they do believe they can think for themselves. It's some kind of self-proclaimed, self-righteous independence. They harbor strong opinions that, as far as they know, came as epiphanies without any outside influence, and/or can't be found in the mainstream. They probably also believe in inherent free will, and things like magical mystical spirits with rights and responsibilities.
Yeah, and advertising, propaganda, and religion become null and void as feasible institutions.


If i were to turn around and analyze myself (though that's not physically possible, hahaha), I'd have to say I complain considerably less than average, and I consider both (or more) sides of any given piece of person, place, or thing. Or I don't think at all. You don't have to love or hate anything if you don't bother judging it at all. I sleep and wake and eat and watch movies or read books and then research good and bad things people think about them. I guess I do judge judgment though, hah, and i complain about complaints.
But if i didn't really care, why would i go research it?
If I didn't really care, why do i check my friends' pages?

I suppose I am curious about opinions from other neutral and level-headed observers like myself, and I am searching to learn something I didn't already know about given person place or thing. I am interested in larger pictures, how smaller components support the existence of the whole. The dilusional, self-glorified single component is a source of amusement and interest to me, but as a whole itself, and relatively.

Shit I'm fucking losing myself but can i say

Fuck your informational flatulence.

Can i say, I am interested in opinion to some degree, the pattern and whereabouts of movements, and how public opinion on larger or smaller scales can be charted or observed as fractals.



I'd still like to join the monasteries when i'm older. Get away from all this mental garbage. Preferably no bullshit rituals, though, just plenty of tea time, rice, and STFU.
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(no subject) [Jul. 17th, 2007|02:27 am]
vanica is self-centered for being entirely oblivious and ignorant of my feelings. I find it disrespectful and disconcerting that she has spent her time complaining about everyone else and glorifying her martyrdom and wallowing in hypocrisy.
She appears and claims to be happier this way, so be it. I'm not going to shit myself trying to keep her around, because what the hell did i ever do?

Shaun is trying to cheer me up and it never works, but at least i'm realizing that i spent the last two-and-a-half hours being angry at life and Kyle and everything that came into my mind.

I should go to sleep.

Here i go again. Suppressing my anger and dissatisfaction. But I'm usually relieved later that i didn't express it, because how fucking embarrassing would that have been
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Calling Kyle [Jul. 17th, 2007|02:07 am]
Every time I call Kyle because i am too eager and too excited and too restless to wait any longer, every time I've called him with that energy and delicate hope, impatient to hear his voice and be reassured and comforted,
every single time, he disappoints me and leaves me in a shitty mood.

Alright, that might be an overstatement, maybe not every single time,
but he really throws me off entirely.

He answers the phone apathetic, preoccupied, annoyed, or just plain bored. He says the exact same things, by the book. Hello. How are you. What are you doing. Oh. Okay. That's nice. Nothing. Not much. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yeah. Hmm. Silence.

Nothing to say to me. Nothing to tell, nothing to ask, nothing he wants to hear from me or my voice and word of my well-being. He knows nothing about me, he never knows about what i think. And if i'm sad, he doesn't help. He is either completely disinterested, disconnected, or annoyed.

So I finish up business and then hang up properly.

But a few days later, or a week later, I'll do it again.

I wish he wanted to hear from me on the phone as much as I always want to hear from him. I wish he had more to say, even about nothing. That's probably a lot to ask for, though, from someone with his intellect. That's not anybody's fault. It's ok.
In any case, I feel underappreciated and unreciprocated and alone.

Alone. And Foolish.

The times we are happiest with each other are times of wordlessness and physical jokes and asinine little cooing noises. What is this? Some sort of infatuation on his part? Is he kidding himself? An idiot. I dont know what to do, so i dont, and i push it out of my head when i can.
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we are waiting for her to die [Jul. 17th, 2007|01:29 am]
I have finally accepted that my grandmother will never "get better."


Today I was very saddened by some things my father had to say to me.

Assuming that Grandma will die within the next ten years (because she probably won't live to be 100), quite probably sometime while Shaun is already in college,
he is planning on leaving within the following year, to live in China,
with or without Angie,
and the house will be sold (good riddance).

We can visit him there, he said, and he will visit once a year.

"I don't like it here anymore. I have never been able to be really good at anything in America," he said. "In America... In America, I just feel like... like a Loser."

He wants to do something great in China. He wants to bring renewable energy to the children, to the schoolhouses there. I'm conditioned to fear automatically- already expect that he will fail. I told him that he should do it, if it will make him happier.



While i worked today, i thought about being in a country alone, with my brother. I won't be afraid... but I am a little scared.

It makes me uncomfortable... to think about finally cutting off this dependency. To think of officially starting my life and ending my parents'. This is the beginning of the end: And next comes old age... and I can't imagine seeing my father only once a year, old and frail and waiting to die.

And I think about my brother's lack of a future and my lukewarm, one-sided relationship, in which i am painfully in love, unrequited, with someone who fails offer me any lasting comfort or security in life. I am not surprised, anyway. People are fools, and naive as well- especially so at this age.

I know there is nothing to wish for because there magic does not exist, and i am already too well-off in this cursed world as it is. There is nothing i Want that is neither unnecessary nor excessive and undeserved. Everything is fine.

I dont want to love anyone ever again. I know it now, and it really is the hub-bub they make it out to be, and more, and now im more afraid than ever to go through this awful process of nausea and longing and betrayal and shit like that. I don't like it. It makes me want to throw up all the time.

Sometimes i think about it, and i feel that life for both me and Kyle will be better off without the other. And so i want to end it, so that we can move on and welcome better things, or at least appreciate the peace that exists in the silence of stagnancy.
But then i start questioning: Am i throwing away what few scraps of joy i have left in my life? Am I being stupid by wanting to kill a perfectly quiet and unimposing sort of love? Will i never find anything as lovely as this, someone as pleasant as he, ever again?

Life is fair- in that is it entirely undiscerning and unfair to all beings (and non-beings).



I know I've been dying since I was born, but now it's so apparent, and i am reminded of it all the time.
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(no subject) [Jul. 6th, 2007|02:04 am]
me: badabadbabadbababadbdbababadbabdbababdababdbabdbababadbabda
shaun: ?
dad: bebop!
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upper, middle, prole [Jun. 29th, 2007|02:14 am]
Everyday, little things remind me of middle class America's repulsive quality of life.

Repulsed,
disgusted,
angry,
condescending,
cynical,
then rational,
then disappointed,
sympathetic,
sad,

then willfully detached so that i avoid that certain state of quiet despair, a weeping velleity, futile and detrimental in itself.

There is nothing to be done about the middle class, nothing to be done.




I know not passion, but compassion (less so respected by Americans). I think this is why things upset me, but never (or rarely) stir me to direct aggression.

There are quicker, more painless and progressive solutions if pride is set aside for separate confrontation. Fighting is fun. But in context, it is usually counterproductive and irrelevant.

What am i even talking about? Useless.

Today has been a spacey day. On the upper hand, I tolerated my cousin fairly easily. Whitey.

me = futile
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(no subject) [Jun. 23rd, 2007|12:56 am]
fuck you and your shitty art


people and their low fucking IQs
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How I Killed Frank (and my cell phone) [Jun. 22nd, 2007|03:16 am]
A giant splash, laughter, more sounds of splashing, thrashing, gurgling, then silence.
Drunkenly registering what just happened.



"He can't swim."
"What?"
"Frank can't swim."
"Are you- what- are you kidding me?"
"Yeah. No. He can't swim."
"But- why did he take off all his clothes??"
"He was just messing around, i dont know, he can't actually swim."
"Oh my god, you can't be serious. I- Jesus Christ."


So i took off my camera, set it on the chair, and jumped in.



My clothes dragged me down in the water, my limbs moved slow and heavy, and slowly and heavily i wrapped my arm around his waist and tried to ease him up towards air, i did not know if he gasped yet or not but i figured there was little time for logistics so i paddled steadily towards the edge of the pool. Three or four times i needed air and tried to surface but the weight of his body stopped me inches away and i choked on water instead, which i suppose is better than nothing; hey but how could someone suspend themselves at such an inconvenient position anyway?

Someone pulled him away from me and next thing i knew i could breathe, water felt sickly thick and air, crisp and refreshing. Arms lifted me out easily, and i found myself perched on bricks with a towel around me and Kyle's hands on my back.
The night immediately became tense and uncomfortable,
someone was sobbing somewhere over there, where everyone else was huddled around in a circle,
and i said,
"i'm sorry, i'm so sorry. I killed Frank. I didn't know."


He coughed and choked and sputtered, "I couldn't breathe, i couldn't breathe at all, i just drank so much water, and i thought i was going to die, i really thought, 'oh my god, im going to die, and no one's doing anything about it,' and everyone just stood there and watched"

And nobody said anything.
Except Scott, who promptly corrected him and provided a recap- completely altered and untrue, but with far less shame and discomfort for all.

(In this version, I merely poked fun and toyed with Frank at the edge, until he leaped in, intoxicated, impairing his swimming skills, and I jumped in immediately afterwards to pull him out. No one is ashamed. Everyone is happy and only too relieved.)

He sniffled and wiped his face, as I walked over and knelt before him. I touched my brow to his knee.


"Frank, I'm so sorry. I didn't know you couldn't swim."

"...Not in the deep end!"

"Right, yeah. I know that now."

(They sent me inside to change into Kyle's dry clothes, and it was then that discovered the corpse of a cell phone in my pocket.)

"Kyle, you better marry Elaine," he said as he came inside,

"I love you," he told me when he was on the couch,

but I didn't know what to say anymore.
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malibu, midnight [Jun. 17th, 2007|03:50 am]
an entry )
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(no subject) [May. 13th, 2007|05:10 am]
art theory blows my mind. i cant stand it.
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apples [May. 9th, 2007|05:09 am]
Everything is a bucket of apples, but some apples are more appley than others.

Everything is a bucket of apples, but some apples are more appley than others.
Everything is always a bucket of apples, but some apples are more appley than other apples.
Everything is always only a bucket of apples, but in a way some apples are more appley than other apples.
Everything is always only a bucket of apples, but in some ways some apples are more appley than other apples.
Everything is and always has been only a bucket of apples, but in some ways some apples are more appley than other apples.
Everything and anything is and always has been only but not limited to a bucket of apples, but in some ways some apples are more appley than other apples.
Everything and anything is and always has been only but not entirely limited to a bucket of apples, but in some ways some apples are more appley than other apples.
Every thing and any thing is and always has been only but not entirely limited to a bucket of apples, and in some ways some apples are more appley than other apples.
Every thing and any thing is and always has been only but not entirely limited to a bucket of apples, and in some ways some apples are or can be more appley than other apples.
Every thing, any thing, and all is and always has been only but not entirely limited to a bucket of apples, and in some ways some apples are or can be more appley than other apples.
Every thing, any thing, and all is, always has been, and every will be only but not entirely limited to a bucket of apples, and in some ways some apples are or can be more appley than other apples.
Every thing, any thing, and all is, always has been, and every will be only but not entirely limited to a bucket of apples, and in some ways some apples are or can be more appley than other apples.

Every thing, any thing, and all is, always has been, and every will be only but not entirely limited to a bucket of apples, and in some ways some apples are or can be more appley than other apples.


Apples: go on, as you like it.
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Leprechauns are Real (true story) [May. 4th, 2007|09:03 pm]
(disclaimer: car details are kind of mixed-up)



So, Lia Cerizo (from my Illustration class) and her friend are driving down Canal Street one night, when they see a smoky green light in the sky, up by the train station's clock tower. The cloudy orb glowed for a while, got brighter and brighter, and then fell out of the sky, into the urban landscape.

How funny, they thought. What do you think it was? Let's go check it out, and they moseyed on over to the train station for a little look-see.

They circled around the building, and thought they saw a figure lying on the floor. Lots of smoke, fog, whatever, they weren't completely sure. They moved closer and saw that it was a little man (possibly a boy), wearing a green baseball cap (Boston Red Sox). Oh my god, are you okay? Hello? Hello? Do you need help? Should we call 9-11? Do you need anything?

Oh, he is conscious.

He sat up slowly, and in a thick Irish accent, somehow managed to tell them he was an exchange student from Ireland, that he was really fucking wasted and, and that he kept passing out, maybe, and that his friends were nowhere to be found! No, cross that. They completely abandoned him at the train station some time ago- probably because they were trashed as well, and just totally plumb forgot.

Do you want a ride home? We can drive you back to your place.

"AHA, A TAXI??!" the little fellow hopped in, "BUT I DONT HAVE ANY MONEY!!" No no, it's alright, we'll drive you home. You don't need to pay us, really, it's fine.

Somehow, he managed to roll down the windows, screaming at everyone they passed in the street. (And somewhere along the way, an Italian man yelled back and started tailing them, flashing his beamers. And then a police car came out of nowhere, following the other two, but eventually it pulled over the beamer, leaving Lia and friends alone.)


When they finally reached Wickenden Street, the fellow rolled out of the car.
"I wish i could pay you somehow!" he cried.

He fumbled around in his pockets, brought out a huge handful of change, threw it on the floor, thanked them, and disappeared.
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(no subject) [Apr. 30th, 2007|09:59 pm]
nobody takes care of me. i am bitter.

nobody will take care of me. i am too proud.

what a complex! it drives one insane.
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(no subject) [Apr. 30th, 2007|09:58 pm]
i hate little sister
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i love you mr janello p2 [Apr. 30th, 2007|09:05 pm]
(After skipping class the second time and walking in after everyone left, I put my homework up on the wall)


ME: This is the duality assignment, but it's unfinished. I didn't make up the portrait assignment yet.
And I didn't do the four compositional studies becaauuussse I didn't feel like it.

HIM: ...Hmm. Fair enough.

ME: ...Mm.

HIM: This is excellent, really.

ME: Thanks.






One down, three to go.
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i love you mr janello [Apr. 28th, 2007|09:01 pm]
him: This is wonderful. It's Wonderful. I like this one better than the other one.
me: I hate them. both.
him: Oh... But I think they're fine. To me, they're very good. They're great.
me: Hmm.
him: ...What do you think?
me: ...
him: ...
me: I don't know.
him: ...
me: I don't... I don't like... mm...
him: ...
me: *feeling warm*
him: ....
me: *neck, ears feel warm*
him: *staring at me*
me: Um. My face feels very warm.
him: ...Uh-huh.
me: Mmm.
him: ...
me: Well. *waits for face to cool down a little*
him: ...
me: ... I just don't understand what's the difference between my face, and a bucket of apples.
him: Mmm.
me: ... That was all.
him: Okay.
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my bastard attempt at a final proposal [Apr. 24th, 2007|05:06 pm]
Everything is everything.
Every thing is the same, is part of the everything. Every thing is different parts, but all a part of one Everything. Separation is futile.

The self is neither different nor separate from anything else. The self is part of Everything. This is neither good nor bad.

In human bodies we comprise within the Everything-Nothing in order to stay living. To live is to wait. To wait is to expect Something; To wait is to want.

I take pictures of

Visceral reactions v. intellectual decision, but how are mind and body different? The intellect is always active in the living, as is the instinct.

I take pictures of what compels me to.

Spontaneous, natural, comfortable. Visually appealing. Light. Space.


------
i am interested in:
1. compartmentalization of space
2. the fluidity and transparency of matter
3. the behavior and physicality of light
4. abstraction

5. and the relationships between the above, and to subject matter

-------

i assume that,
if i operate mostly by visceral compulsion (versus socio-intellectual calculations), i extract from my subconscious, and will end up forming a coherent (thought maybe not immediately apparent) self-portrait series.




W.T.F.
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infinite patterns [Apr. 20th, 2007|06:14 pm]
i am thinking about how we are infinite, living infinitely, infinite lives, and how we can also be patterns too, and parts of larger patterns, infinite patterns. Or we could be single parts, coherent identities.


Your dead people?
They are dead,


as if that might be special.
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No Good Reason [Apr. 20th, 2007|06:13 pm]
is the only good reason.
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look at the monster we've created [Apr. 20th, 2007|05:46 pm]
1. I don't feel like using your mediums. Sometimes i don't want to draw observational. I don't care that much about your personal philosophies. Self-discovery is futile. My classmates don't benefit me to my satisfaction.

2. I don't want to fill the canvas. I don't want to imitate your process. I don't want to paint your set-ups. I don't want to make it thicker. I don't like your colors. I am not trying to 'document' this experience. The assignments are lame. The deadlines are too early.

3. I don't like your ideas. I don't understand your sense of humor. I don't want to draw bears and children. I don't want to draw for bears or for children, either. I don't want to market. These chairs are too high. My classmates are worthless. The deadlines are too early.

4. Photographs take too long to develop and print. I am too much of a fuck-up for this.


5. I don't believe in time. I don't believe in money. I'm not going to wait in line. This is not my "ID" card, and you don't need to see it. It's also not worth thirty dollars. You can take your smarmy system and shove

6. It's not my problem. And i don't really care, so save yourself the grief and can it.


I am tired. Let me sleep.
I am hungry. Let me eat.
Sometimes I don't want to speak to you.
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(no subject) [Apr. 6th, 2007|05:22 am]
here's to human folly and the grand joke we call Life
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love and morality [Apr. 6th, 2007|04:06 am]
usually i only halfheartedly muse over the nuances of things like Morality and Love, but it will annoy me if people refuse to accept my take for what it is.

Although he has standard respectable middle-class morals and i have nearly none, it can be argued that i love him while he does not love me. How could you love someone if you do not respect their thoughts and actions, whether known to you or not (What is a person aside from their thoughts and actions anyway)? Do you selectively love only part of them? I love him for what he is- impressionable and stubborn in his partial ignorance, but does he really now- does he really LOVE me?

Love. Fucking love, man. What a crock of shit.



How can you love when you're so human? Love is divine. Love is not blind, love is fully conscious. Blind love is a lesser phenomena mistaken as love. Everyone's Serotonin wants to be Something Bigger.

The only condition for my love is that he loves me back. If he doesn't, then maybe this is very silly.
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in response to halfnoises [Mar. 16th, 2007|04:23 am]
Conundrum:

If peace is acceptance and meditation is acceptance, then peace is meditation. If meditation is concentrating on objective truth (being what Is), and truth is the changing Everything, then Peace is concentration on the ever-shifting.
Regarding my last question- static focus is illusory (like anything else), everything is fluid, and everything is peace. Ergo, peace is focusing on fluidity... in a sense.

In order of physicality:
Focus> Illusion> Fluidity> Peace> Everything


hahahha physikality


So i'd have to say my spacey state is more at peace, even though it felt chaotic. There is more to be said, but it's late.
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(no subject) [Feb. 26th, 2007|02:12 am]
asian american invisibility
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some thing i've been curious about recently [Feb. 16th, 2007|03:38 am]
What is it like to be white?

No, really. There's something funny about the elite. And male, too?





It took a while to kick in, all this, and where I am- but that's because they raised me in Chinatown, expecting and investing in little for a sick girl.
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on the other hand, i'm fishing [Feb. 16th, 2007|03:23 am]
I keep trying to find reasons to live. I'm creating obligations, for some sort of momentum in life: things to do, people to see, places to go.

This is absurd. I don't believe in that shit.

I'm trying to find reasons to get out of bed in the mornings. What kind of meaning, what is this puzzle. Why. What will I tell my audience? How will it all look? And me? Who? Where. When. I'm fantasizing of confrontation, fistfights, different ways to murder a girl.

It appears I have a problem with my cynical nihilism if I'm struggling for denial. I know Peace, but I'm hunting for Passion. Power, attention, respect. I know they mean nothing, but God, things that feel so good... Pleasure. Pleasure cannot exist without pain.




Elaine, get a fucking hold of yourself!

Don't you recognize nirvana when you've reached it?
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misogyny please [Feb. 9th, 2007|12:31 am]
"I see most women below the age of 40+ as having unrealistic expectations, bitter, angry, extreme emotional and mental problems, unpredictable behaviour, difficult to be around and just have a plain old good time with, difficult to please, moods that vacillate constantly......taking exorbant amounts of medication, not able to keep a goal in mind and complete it, complain and nag, highly negative and far too masculine in my humble opinion......eat too much, enjoy fast food far too much, expect for the guy to pay everything, base most of their joys on going out clubbing, purchasing clothes, and finally: status.


Most of them invest a lot of effort into making themselves appear pretty, special, and different than other females, but it is completely transparent.

The modern American female is an empty shell of a human being, and apparently there are few exceptions.

PS: Most of them act like they are fucking 15 years old."




nomarriage.com
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(no subject) [Feb. 2nd, 2007|04:07 am]
Today was Hiromi's birthday, and I wanted her to be happy. She was at Bowen last night at midnight, so we celebrated the first official minutes together. That part was easy.

After class, I walked up to Nightingale, where Kallista already had dinner made. Lentil soup and bread and hummus. It was good. She also baked a blue tomato-cake for her, with green writing that said, "hiromi xx <3"

me: "what are the dead eyes for?"
hiromi: "i thought they were kisses"
kallista: "dont you know anything about Roman numerals???"

The cake was very cute. It was slate-blue.
Secondary dessert was Lavender Sunset organic ice cream, also good, but very sweet.

(later) Michelle: "what are the X-es for?"



Three of us walked up to Avon Theatre for the free Silk Road show, but they sold out, so we watched Queen instead. It was boring. But alright. I had toilet paper and tic-tacs with me. Devon watched the Achmed show and said it was amazing.

We seperated momentarily; I walked home and cleaned my room for a while. Kallista left early, and Michelle stayed and bitched about stuff. She's been aggravating me a little more as of late. I'm starting to realize her close-minded egotism for what it is. I don't really care, but I wish she would stop being so angry and just calm down. I still just want her to be happy, or at least stop stressing out others. I know she's been hurting Hiromi with her moodiness and stuff, and it's just not that big of a deal.

Anyways, some time later, our house suddenly flooded over with 20 people (including my other roommates), and everyone came in and out of my room, just visiting. Paul stayed for quite a while. Zeijian and Alice a little. In the middle of it all, Michelle took all her stuff and left without a word; in fact, I watched her go, I watched her put on her jacket and bag, make a snide remark, dispose of her bottle, and slam the door without greeting anyone on her way out. See, why does she have to be like that? There are better ways to live.

"Where did Michelle go?" Hiromi asked, and I said I didn't know. Part of me wanted to tell her that Michelle threw a silent hissy fit and ditched her there, that she was too selfish for courtesy most of the time, even on Hiromi's birthday. I wanted to remind her with fresh evidence that they were not good for each other, and Michelle did not love her enough, for what she deserved. Get mad at her. Break up. Remember me again.

But I just wanted her to be happy. I said I wasn't sure, but I saw her in the kitchen. Alice said she must have been in the restroom. She must be in the house somewhere.
Hiromi was too high to keep her mind focused, so it was easy to distract her. "Wanna draw in my sketchbook??" I offered. "Okay!" And it was so reassuring to see her smile every time, and laugh at everyone's jokes, giggling at her own doodles. I didn't want her to realize that Michelle left her alone, all grumpy and PMS.

When people left and things quieted down, I coaxed her into the living room, where Sinnae and Zejian would be, so that she would be entertained and occupied, as long as they were awake. It worked. They sang and played and danced in their seats while Hiromi laughed and took pictures.
When she wanted pizza, I ordered pizza. I thought about saving money, but scratched that and paid for all of it. I thought about divyying it up amongst the eaters, but fuck that, I don't really care. We both had six slices each.

We watched some tv episodes on the TV, and Sinnae and Z and Alice eventually went to bed. This caused us to realize that it was already 3:40 am.

She suggested that she sleep over, but that would mean
A) She'd have to wake up early for the meet, thus losing sleep
B) She'd have to wake up early and walk home, thus feeling like cold shit
C) She'd have to wake up alone instead of with Michelle
D) She'd have to sleep alone and wonder about Michelle, thus stressing out
E) Michelle would misunderstand and probably treat her like shit the next day

So as much as I support their separation, I said no. "No," I said, most casually, "you'll sleep better if you go home." She feared for my life, but I told her I'd bring a box-cutter with me.

A) I ain't afread of no ghosts.
B) There is nothing to be afraid of.
C) If there is something, it is still not worth fearing.

So I walked her there, hugged her goodnight, and walked back alone. And that's how I spent almost every minute of my night coddling Hiromi, trying to keep her content.


She said that her birthday was pretty good, and that it got better throughout the night, and I am glad. I still hope that she will be happy tomorrow, though it's silly to think that she'll sustain her peace. It's silly for me to work so hard for her to be happy, when she ignores the world at times she insists on being sad. She's stubborn about suffering. Why do I try?
It's unreasonable to love someone this much, when no one will love you back for it. There is an emptiness in Kallista, like this.

I want them to be happy, somehow.




"You are twenty years old, you are a princess now!"
-Mom
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(no subject) [Jan. 24th, 2007|09:56 pm]
"how are you?"

oh, i donno. alright i guess.



I broke my teacher's puzzle, and it stresses me to imagine his disappointment.
Though I tried to find the missing piece, all that resulted from my search was a clean living room, watching the movie "Kids," and ditching a day of class.



I take a while to get up in the mornings. Mirrors annoy me, but i want them. Brushing my teeth is boring. Washing my face is sad. I look forward to eating different foods. I am late to everything I go to. I hate class. People annoy me. Class bores me. People bore me. They are uninteresting, predictable, and self-absorbed.
I like some people, but they still annoy me because they are petty and talk too much. I'm cheap and lazy. If it costs my time or money, then fuck it. I do what I want- which is not very much, at the moment. More specifically, what I want is Later. This time is static, and slow. I've been considering on taking up my Vow of Silence again.

I eat what I want, which is very little, or a lot of a little. Sometimes I have to interact with my roommates, and I am more annoyed than I let on, but I go along because it is the best and easiest scenario to choose. I've succumbed to a point of valleity when it comes to anything besides the necessary re-actions. Flimsy is my desire to socialize, so socialize I do not, unless I am pressured to.

I call Kyle in the mornings, or at night. This relationship is maintained because lovers are the only ones who validate your existence.

I do what I want, mostly, unless someone suggests otherwise; I want to create as small of a ripple as possible. I am strong, but as an undercurrent.

I am far-sighted.


Things I want, realistically:

1. to fuck Kyle in March.
2. to maximize my gain from RISD campus resources by the time I leave in May, and QUIT.
3. to fuck Kyle in May.
4. to work for my own money.
5. to take ballet, maybe
6. to break for a year, and apply to Brown, Yale, and Harvard.
7. to study independently and discover/create things in the meantime

8. to be accepted to Yale (though that is to be determined)
9. to maximize my gain and progress in Fine Arts and Liberal Arts from Yale University
10. to produce and publish works of genius thereafter
11. to find someone better for me than Kyle, if at all possible (though that is to be determined)


Also: it has been suggested that I am too serious, but hey, I think not. I am not soft, but I am not mean, either. I just like to poke fun [discomfort]. My sense of humor is dry and teasing, maybe morbid and satirical too, to be more exact. One can see how it would be rare, and/or misunderstood.
I can laugh all the time.
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(no subject) [Jan. 24th, 2007|09:56 pm]
I told kyle about max. He replied, "I have a question. Why does it bother you so much?" and I froze. It sounded accusatory, and bingo, he hit the bulls-eye.
Why does it bother me so much?
Because- I Like Max.

And there you go. I'm still a liar, and I'm still selfish, but at least I'm not in denial like you are.

I know I'm a liar. You can confront me about it, but I'll lie to your face. You are one, too, and even more often so.

I lie because I am selfish. I admit that I want certain things, like peace, quiet, and attention. To attain these, I need maintain a certain identity and place in society- slowly, and surely. I am no better than my blindfolded brethren, then, but I am egotistical, not self-absorbed.

I put on a simple front while repressing my complex mechanisms. I aim for glory, and genius (whichever comes first). People disappoint me, and mankind is nothing more than a catastrophic tragedy, a tragic catastrophe, or something more meaningless, like a sigh, or whatever. Little respect do I harbor for anyone, or anything. I worship no god.

Yeah, I like Max.
He's clever, which amuses me sufficiently. We play games. It helps me pass the time less painfully. So, I lied: Not only do i enjoy his company immensely, but also are we engaged in a teasing relationship, in which I crave more and more of his exclusive time and attention; and what is Love but that, anyway?

But like i said before, fuck love, and there are two types. I want nothing to do with romance anymore. Max is a game (a complicated, multi-dimensional one, at that), and I know games will get boring. I lie because most people can't understand this.

I was honest when I said I wanted you [the most].
I want simplicity, consistency, and sex, space for my glory and my genius, and that's exactly what you're good for.
You're good for me.

(Case closed- till further notice)
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(no subject) [Jan. 24th, 2007|08:57 pm]
When i visit my friends page (or, rather, Honeymuzzle's), i keep thinking, i really don't care. Everyone has opinions. Not very interesting. You fuckers are selfish, idiots, or both.

Once in a while I find something worth reading though. What do I like?
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(no subject) [Jan. 10th, 2007|09:52 pm]
[current mood |alright]

i think i have reached a bitter old age.

everyday i hate life, even while i am happy. living is a chore.
everyday i am sorry, to you.
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scholarship for depressed nihilists [Dec. 28th, 2006|09:05 pm]
Alisha referred me to a scholarship website. Surprisingly, I filled all the pages out and sifted through a bunch of different offers, reading the descriptions and requirements, checking the boxes for "discard" one by one until i finally realized, half an hour later, that i really don't give a shit.
I don't even want to go back to school next semester.

Life is obnoxious. Only my mother actively irritates me more. Fitting, anyway.
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(no subject) [Dec. 28th, 2006|09:05 pm]
You scored as Utilitarianism. Your life is guided by the principles of Utilitarianism: You seek the greatest good for the greatest number.



“The said truth is that it is the greatest happiness of the greatest number that is the measure of right and wrong.”

--Jeremy Bentham



“Whenever the general disposition of the people is such, that each individual regards those only of his interests which are selfish, and does not dwell on, or concern himself for, his share of the general interest, in such a state of things, good government is impossible.”

--John Stuart Mill



More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...

</td>

Utilitarianism

65%

Nihilism

65%

Existentialism

55%

Hedonism

50%

Strong Egoism

40%

Justice (Fairness)

35%

Divine Command

35%

Apathy

30%

Kantianism

15%

What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
created with QuizFarm.com
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10 things everyone should know about marijuana [Dec. 21st, 2006|09:46 pm]
10 Things Everyone Should Know About Marijuana

10 Things Every Parent, Teenager & Teacher Should Know About marijuana

http://www.truthtree.com/marijuana_myths.shtml




"Prohibition...goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes. A prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded."

-- Abraham Lincoln, December, 1840









This pamphlet was researched and produced as a public service by the Family Council on Drug Awareness, P.O. Box 71093, LA CA 90071-0093


1 Q. What is Marijuana?
A. "Marijuana" refers to the dried leaves and flowers of the cannabis plant [1], which contain the non-narcotic chemical THC at various potencies. It is smoked or eaten to produce the feeling of being "high." The different strains of this herb produce different sensual effects, ranging from sedative to stimulant.

2 Q. Who Uses Marijuana?
A. There is no simple profile of a typical marijuana user. It has been used for 1000s of years for medical, social, and religious reasons and for relaxation [2]. Several of our Presidents [3] are believed to have smoked it. One out of every five Americans say they have tried it. And it is still popular among artists, writers, musicians, activists, lawyers, inventors, working people, etc.

3 Q. How Long Have People Been Using Marijuana?
A. Marijuana has been used since ancient times [4]. While field hands and working people have often smoked the raw plant, aristocrats historically prefer hashish [5] made from the cured flowers of the plant. It was not seen as a problem until a calculated disinformation [sic] campaign was launched in the 1930s [6], and the first American laws against using it were passed [7].

4 Q. Is Marijuana Addictive?
A. No, it is not [8]. Most users are moderate consumers who smoke it socially to relax. We now know that 10% of our population have "addictive personalities" and they are neither more nor less likely to overindulge in cannabis than in anything else. On a relative scale, marijuana is less habit forming than either sugar or chocolate but more so than anchovies. Sociologists report a general pattern of marijuana use that peaks in the early adult years, followed by a period of levelling off and then a gradual reduction in use [9].

5 Q. Has Anyone Ever Died From Smoking Marijuana?
A. No; not one single case, not ever. THC is one of the few chemicals for which there is no known toxic amount [10]. The federal agency NIDA says that autopsies reveal that 75 people per year are high on marijuana when they die: this does not mean that marijuana caused or was even a factor in their deaths. The chart below compares the number of deaths attributable to selected substances in a typical year:

Tobacco 340,000 - 395,000
Alcohol (excluding crime/accidents) > 125,000
Drug Overdose (prescription) 24,000 - 27,000
Drug Overdose (illegal) 3,800 - 5,200
Marijuana 0

*Source: U.S. Government Bureau of Mortality Statistics, 1987


6 Q. Does Marijuana Lead to Crime and/or Hard Drugs?
A. No [11]. The only crime most marijuana users commit is that they use marijuana. And, while many people who abuse dangerous drugs also smoke marijuana, the old "stepping stone" theory is now discredited, since virtually all of them started out "using" legal drugs like sugar, coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, etc.

7 Q. Does Marijuana Make People Violent?
A. No. In fact, Federal Bureau of Narcotics director Harry Anslinger once told Congress just the opposite - that it leads to non-violence and pacifism [12]. If he was telling the truth (which he and key federal agencies have not often done regarding marijuana), then re-legalizing marijuana should be considered as one way to curb violence in our cities. The simple fact is that marijuana does not change your basic personality. The government says that over 20 million Americans still smoke it, probably including some of the nicest people you know.

8 Q. How Does Marijuana Affect Your Health?
A. Smoking anything is not healthy, but marijuana is less dangerous than tobacco and people smoke less of it at a time. This health risk can be avoided by eating the plant instead of smoking it [13], or can be reduced by smoking smaller amounts of stronger marijuana. There is no proof that marijuana causes serious health or sexual problems [14] but, like alcohol, its use by children or adolescents is discouraged. Cannabis is a medicinal herb that has hundreds of proven, valuable theraputic uses - from stress reduction to glaucoma to asthma to cancer therapy, etc. [15].

9 Q. What About All Those Scary Statistics and Studies?
A. Most were prepared as scare tactics for the government by Dr. Gabriel Nahas, and were so biased and unscientific that Nahas was fired by the National Institute of Health [16] and finally renounced his own studies as meaningless [17]. For one experiment, he suffocated monkeys for five minutes at a time, using proportionately more smoke than the average user inhales in an entire lifetime [18]. The other studies that claim sensational health risks are also suspect, since they lack controls and produce results which cannot be replicated or independently verified [19].

10 Q. What Can I Do About Marijuana?
A. No independent government panel that has studied marijuana has ever recommended jail for users [20]. Concerned persons should therefore ask their legislators to re-legalize and tax this plant, subject to age limits and regulations similar to those on alcohol and tobacco.

For More Information, Write:
Family Coucil on Drug Awareness
P.O. Box 71093, LA CA 90071-0093




Footnotes
1. The same plant, known as hemp, has an estimated 50,000 non-drug commercial uses including paper, textiles, fuels, food and sealants, but these uses are also banned by existing laws. Sources: Encyclopedia Britannica, federal documents and historical records.
2. Coptic Christians, Rhastafarnians [sic], Shintos, Hinus, Buddhists, Sufis, Essenes, Zoroastrians, Bantus, and many other sects have traditions that consider the plant to have religious value.
3. Their personal correspondence and records reveal that U.S. Presidents Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, and others smoked hashish, as did Benjamin Franklin and Mary Todd Lincoln. President John F. Kennedy is also reported to have smoked marijuana to relieve his back pain. Many of America's greatest leaders and Founding Fathers (including George Washington) were hemp farmers. Sources: National Archives, published reports.
4. Archeologists report that cannabis was possibly the first plant cultivated by humans - about 8000 B.C. - and was used for linen, paper, and garments. Source: Columbia University, _History of the World_. It was being smoked in China and India as early as 2700 B.C.
5. Turkish smoking parlors were popular in both Europe and America. as well as the Middle and Far East, as recently as the turn of the Century.
6. The exhaustive Indian Hemp "Raj" Commission report (1986) by British authorities found no reason to restrict its use. But the notorious yellow journalist William Randolph Hearst fabricated and published horror stories about marijuana that were eventually investigated and shown to be lies, but not until long after the marijuana prohibition was enacted in 1938. Source: Larry Sloman, _Reefer Madness_.
7. Laws against marijuana were passed a year after the invention of a machine to harvest and process hemp so it could compete commercially against businesses owned by Hearst, the DuPonts and other powerful families. Source: Jack Herer, _The Emporor Wears No Clothes_.
8. Marijuana does not lead to physical dependency. Costa Rican Study, 1980; Jamaican Study, 1975; Nixon Blue Ribbon Report, 1972, et. al.
9. Source: Psychology Today, Newsweek, et.al.
10. Source: All univerity medical studies: UCLA, Harvard, Temple, etc.
11. Costa Rican Study, 1980; Jamaican Study, 1975; "The legal drugs for adults, such as alcohol and tobacco...precede the use of all illicit drugs." Source: National Academy of Sciences.
12. The FBI reports that 65-75% of criminal violence is alcohol related. "Pacifist syndrome" testimony was given by Federal Bureau of Narcotics Director Harry Anslinger before Congress (1948). However, the "Siler" Study conducted by the U.S in Panama (1931) reported "no impairment" in military personnel who smoked marijuana while off duty.
13. "The only clinically significant medical problem is that scientifically linked to marijuana is bronchitis. Like smoking tobacco, the treatment is the same: stop smoking." Source: Dr. Fred Oerther, M.D.
14. Coptic study (UCLA), 1981; "There is not yet any conclusive evidence as to whether prolonged use of marijuana causes permanent changes in the nervous system or sustained impairment of brain function and behavior in human beings." Source: National Academy of Sciences.
15. Source: Dr. Tod Mikuriya, _Marijuana Medical Papers_. Marijuana could replace at least 10-20% of prescribed drugs now in use. Source: Dr. Raphael Mechoulam. Marijuana was a major active ingredient in 40-50% of patent medicines before its ban.
16. 1976
17. 1983
18. The U.S. Government reports that the oral dose of cannabis required to kill a mouse is about 40,000 times the dose required to produce symptoms of intoxication in man. Source: Lowe, _Journal of Pharmacological and Experimental Therapeutics_, Oct. 1946.
19. In another famous study, Heath/Tulane (1974), wild monkeys were brutally captured, then virtually suffocated in marijuana smoke over a period of 90 days. Source: National Institute of Health.
20. Examples: the "LaGuardia" Committee Report (New York, 1944) and President Richard Nixon's Blue Ribbon "Shafer" Commission (1972). 21.
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the end of day 3 [Nov. 21st, 2006|04:57 pm]
i broke my vow a few hours earlier than claimed, so that i could secretly call kyle and talk to him a little bit. It wasn't worth it.
Here are the words...
He seemed-
preoccupied, distracted, bored, mechanical, routine, mundane, wholly uninterested, unamused, judgmental, unforgiving, and cold. Yeah, cold. To me, and about Clarissa.
He sweetens his words; he lies. He lied today and he lied before.

I predicted a day like this would arrive, when he just doesn't give a shit about impressing me any more, goes ahead and lets his coarse mediocrity shine through, challenging me, 'i dare you, i dare you go ahead- this is my true self.'

it doesnt matter. i predicted this.

it doesnt matter, anyway. nothing matters.
hiromi shouldn't matter. neither should michelle. 40 bowen shouldn't matter. providence doesnt matter to me (los angeles- in progress).

i am currently a mixture of...

1. silent elation
2. bitter resentment
3. self-pity


i want to let go. I just want to let it all go. Obligations, inhibitions, discomfort. God... goddamnit.
I'm going to do it. I'm sorry it bothers my housemates. I'll break tomorrow for two, three days, and then i'll continue it again.

I'm going to do it and i'm never going back. Speech ruins me. Speech disfigures.



Clean slate soon,

so clean.


Love, and just.
Linkapproach the bench

(no subject) [Nov. 18th, 2006|05:48 pm]
vow of silence.

see how it goes
Linkapproach the bench

(no subject) [Nov. 17th, 2006|06:09 pm]
i need to get over her. i got piss-drunk tonight becuase she wanted to see it, but im sure it wasnt funny. i ended up calling paul and then im pretty damn sure i made out with her for a few seconds. god i know. we both wanted it. why didnt hiromi come tonight?
i told michelle about max, but, i dont know.

im going to be alone,
and thats the way i think it should be, for the best,

as much as i want her.

im sorry i beat up alice today, and im sorry i tore up our living room. i just wanted to say goodbye to michelle.
Linkapproach the bench

patrick wolf- teignmouth [Nov. 16th, 2006|02:28 am]
On the night train from the city to the south
I saw spirits crawl across the river mouth
In skewed ascension
With no destination
Like this lone bachelor in me
This constant yearning for great love and learning
For the wind to carry me free

So when the birds fly south, i'll reach up and hold their tails
Pull up and out of here, and bridle the autumn gales
Down to the burning cliffs
To the unrelenting roll
To marry the untold blisses
And anchor this lost soul

From my window I saw two birds lost at sea
I caught our reflection in that silent tragedy
But with hope prevailing
I draw galleons sailing
In full sail billowing free

So when the birds fly south
We'll reach up and hold their tails
Pull up and out of here, and bridle the autumn gales
I give you my hand, the fingers unfold
To have and forever hold
To marry the untold blisses
And anchor this lost soul
Linkapproach the bench

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